Len

6am, during a night shift:

2011-07-28T05:41:00.004-05:00

Time for an update. I'm wayyy overdue for one. I hate that because then there is not a place to begin.

Finally finished my summer class. Yup, I'm done. The thing I like least about finishing a course is the final. They want to give you a final test over all this wonderful information. I've been cramming it into my brain and by this point in time I'm so over it. Finishing the test a quickly as possible with no care for consequences. On to the next thing. They should test your enthusiasm for the first 3 weeks and combine that with your final to count as your final score.

Starting at Washburn in the fall! Officially enrolled as an Icabod. This is my 4.0 year. It is not only accessible but actually possible this year for me to reach that 4.0 because I am taking two of the classes for the second time. That makes me sound stupid, I only need to retake one and my scores didn't transfer for my other class. And the third class is English. I always get A's on my english papers if I write them and revise them once. I just get too fucking lazy by the time that I finish the thing to go back over it. Goal #1: Write English papers the week they are assigned. What a fucking concept.

Brooklyn is 7months, going on walking/talking/flirting. She is this little ray of light in my life. She may scream and cry occasionally for attention but the second we lock eyes she settles. Everything is right with the world. Sad confession: I was THRILLED the first time she cried in someone's arm and stopped the second I took her. That level of adoration is completely and absolutely the most wonderful feeling.

Her schedule usually makes her wake up for a bottle around 5am. I'm on this kick where she is not allowed in bed with me anymore. At all. If she wakes up before 5, I put her back to sleep in the crib (even for thirty minutes sometimes). Then, I wake up with her at 5. This has gotten us many catnaps together on the couch. It is bliss.

I'll leave a not-on-facebook picture

"it's all worth it"

2011-02-25T11:59:00.003-06:00

There are certain things everyone tells you (and gives you when you have a baby) most of the time the information is useless. No, I do not need anymore adorable socks/hats/mittens/blankets. Yes, I in fact know that I will never sleep again/ my life is completely changing/ feed them every 2-3 hours.

What I didn't hear was: loud noises (like the vacuum) calm her down/ babies tend to have projectile poop/ sex (sorry world) will never feel the same again. I understand how it will "all be worth it" once she grows up but people need to be more honest with their advice. How was I supposed to figure out these things alone? We have a noise machine that is now up really loud in her room so she always has some white noise. It is genius! She sleeps longer and isn't startled awake due to the TV or anything.

When B was born, I had about 17 packages of diapers. I thought "wow this is fantastic!". Little did I know, babies can grow super fast. I have an overflow of the wrong size of diapers. I plan to squeeze my little fat baby into size on diapers until her poop won't stay in anymore (oh wait!) because I still have six more packs!

Lastly, I cannot decide if I should save all of her baby stuff or pack it up and give it to someone else. I know plenty of people who need it but hey, I may want another kid in a couple years. I have so much stuff that it could help someone a lot but at the same time, I don't want to buy it all again.

Sorry this post was sort of random, my thoughts are really jumbled today and I can hardly think straight.

Brooklyn!!

2011-02-01T22:47:00.002-06:00

My baby (6 week old ah!) is amazing. She is so much fun to be around. She (real) smiled at me last night for the first time! I finally feel like a mother. It sunk in and I am happy.

But I must admit, being back at work and school has made such a difference to being a mom. It allows me time to think about her and miss her as well as give me some adult conversations that don't revolve around my daughter.

Overall, things are going well.

how to not sound condescending

2010-11-30T21:11:00.002-06:00

I currently have numerous friends (or even just people I know and see on facebook) that are pregnant. They then post or show me pictures of the nursery. Fantastic, I can ohh and ahh with the best of them. I am seriously struggling with not telling these people how stupid they are though!! CRIB BUMPERS ARE CONSIDERED BAD! They can cause SIDS and are linked to strangulation and suffocation.

List of people that reccomend against bumper pads: American Academy of Pediatrics, Consumer Product Safety Commission, First Candle/National SIDS Alliance, and National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. Here is a website about the dangers:http://babyproducts.about.com/od/recallsandsafety/a/bumpersafety.htm

So, how can I tell them "hey this is really stupid" without sounding like a complete know-it-all. I'm sure many of them have read more parenting things than I have but still! ugh

Complications

2010-11-30T14:54:00.003-06:00

Complications have me slightly concerned. Overall, B is completely healthy. I, on the other hand, am not quite so lucky. 1) I was very very anemic for a few months. Explanation: hemoglobin "should" be between 12 and 14 on a healthy person and sometimes higher if you are pregnant. I was down at 7.4. So I've seen some specialists and it's back to a 9.something. 2) Another complication is my amniotic fluid. That number is supposed to be around a 10-12 normally. Mine measured at a 7.5 or something. Fantastic. So I'm being checked in sonograms like once or twice a week. If it drops below 5, we will have to induce labor because she will not be getting the nourisment she needs at all. I cannot decide if this is a blessing or if I should be scared shitless. So I'm on "modified bedrest" No work or play. Just school. I'm allowed to leave the house but I'm constantly told to "take it easy". Which if you ask me is utter bullshit. There is NO evidence that I have been able to find saying bedrest solves the problem. It's just that "foolproof plan" that doctors like to fall back on. So stupid!!!

In the midst of all of this, I have finals, organizing the apartment, and a little bit of wedding planning (not mine, Taylor is getting married in July!)

"You have no control at this point" is my new mantra

Pregnancy update-

2010-10-04T10:56:00.002-05:00

I am 27 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I feel pretty accomplished since I'm entering into the third trimester. Sometimes it is still a surprise to wake up with a belly sticking out. Only complication: placental lakes, not a huge concern but the possibility of problems is there so my doctor has me getting an ultrasound once a month until she's here.

My little girl weighs two pounds and is growing fast. I nearly cry every time I look at the scale, 15ish pounds gained to me so far. It's going to be a pain to get the weight off but at least I have a gym membership and motivation to go. She is growing PERFECTLY. 48th percentile for growths. She isn't going to be a huge baby yay! Oh and the name I havent changed my mind on: Brooklyn Rene Gutierrez. I already call her B because I don't really like Brooke all that much but oh well.

Josiah and I are moving in together. I'm nervous as hell about that but I think it will work out for the best. We get along really well and he can experience everything with me. We are looking at three bedroom places though. Josiah isn't too keen on the idea, but I'm going to try and let Marlena move in with us. She is losing herself living alone and I could use the extra help. Plus, with the three of us working and going to school on different schedules, I don't think I'll need childcare yet. So I'm hoping to be in there by November 1st.

Baby showers are soon!!! The one with my friends is 10/23 and the one with my family is 10/30. Work will probably do something too but there are four of us who are pregnant. I feel like there are a lot of people I didn't invite simply because I haven't seen them in order to tell them I was pregnant. I saw an old friend the other day and she invited me to a party and I just pointed at my stomach.. apparently it's not as obvious as I thought it was.... anyway, she freaked and asked me a million questions. It's so difficult to answer some of those questions... not difficult but more annoying. Yes, I am keeping her. She's MINE!

Current fears:
my water breaking in a final
being put on bed rest
her being really late and not having time before spring semester starts
getting postpartum depression.

hardest decision

2010-05-07T09:08:00.003-05:00

No body really even knows about this blog anyway... so I'm gonna just lay my heart on the line. Hope you're ready.
(5/5): I came home and found Julia asleep. She woke up and I asked her to come with me to buy a pregnancy test. She replied: "You are not pregnant, you are only a week late, just be patient. But if you need the comfort of a negative reading, I'll come with you." That hardly required a response. I didn't really feel pregnant because I never really believed my symptoms were anything more than being sick. I just need the negative reading so I could comfortably wait for my period. We bought the test. I peed and the faintest second pink line appeared. I cried. Julia tried to comfort me saying, its just there in case, take the other test (yes v no) and it too came up positive. I couldn't hold it together anymore. I texted Josiah (my boyfriend) and drove to see him. He was calm on the outside but assured me that he was freaking out but we'd get through it together.
(5/6): I told my closest friends. Julia knew because she was there and my roommate, Michelle and Sydney hardly believed me but supported me nonetheless, and Nathaniel. He was an odd choice to confide in but I suck at lying and he honestly guessed it. It took me a little time to work up he courage to tell my best friend Katie due to her recent issues with the same thing. I knew she would want me to keep the thing. Sydney and I went to planned parenthood (I worry that if I go straight to the dr I would feel guilty not having a baby in nine months) all they did was confirm the pregnancy and hand me pamphlets. I then made the decision to tell my cousin Allie. She is the closest family to me and she knew just what to say.

The Decision: Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do. I am a strong pro-choice advocate but now I'm not sure if the regret will kill me. I won't be able to go a day without thinking about my child were I to not keep it. This is the hardest decision of my life. I am giving myself the week to officially decide. But I can honestly say that I already love my baby. That is making the decision harder.

Wanda Shaw

2009-09-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

I've seen many people die. I've seen people before they've died and also right after.
That doesn't make this any easier.

Her name is Wanda. She hates her name. Wanda was a lady I've worked with. She is not the first resident that I've worked with that has gone through the stages of death, nor will she be the last. But Wanda was special. VERY special. She would tell me to find a nice boy and bring him in so she could meet/approve of him. She'd hold my hand and we'd argue about who was more stubborn.

I knew she was dying by I just saw her obituary. I'm so sad right now.

you don't

2009-08-26T19:47:00.002-05:00

love.

the ache.
the mere five minutes inbetween thoughts of you.
the sincere desire.
the fear.
the tears.
the smile.

you don't feel that anymore; I do. how is that fair?

not quite week numero uno

2009-08-18T20:04:00.002-05:00

Move-in went relatively well I suppose. I didn't sleep at all the first night due to the single fact of I was completely alone. I've always known the tiny fact about myself that I simply hate being alone. I think I'm okay like watching T.V. alone and such, but things like being alone in a house or eating alone at a restaurant just don't sit well with me.

Rush also went relatively well. Until I quit. It just wasn't for me, and that is perfectly alright.

I need to get out and make some friends. I've made some friends through rushing and some others on my floor but not really that many.

Oh well! Classes start in two days... I've got time to adjust to everything!

Life

2009-08-02T23:03:00.002-05:00

I wish that someone had just handed me an outline of my life. They could say "keep on course and you'll be a very happy person"

Sure, circumstances change and "accidents" happen. Your outline could but cut short abruptly or have small deviations...

Scratch all of that.

I just want something to show me that I made the right decision.

Would that really be too much to ask for?

Arizonaaaa

2009-07-28T21:35:00.002-05:00

So as of 7/21/09... my current location has been at or around Bullhead City, AZ. Two of my most favorite people are the reason for my extended stay here. It has been fabulous. Like my daily plans have been: sleep as late as possible (which most days is only like nine or ten for me) then get up, lounge by either the pool in the back yard or the River. We eat and just relax. Nights consist of talking, reading, or watching movies while eating cookie dough. It is so much fun. I haven't laughed this much practically all summer. I wish I could give like specific examples about what has been so humorous; however, I can't remember half of them.

After I head home, I will have less than two weeks to get everything ready. I need to plan outfits and get ready for Rush and pack to move into the dorms. I can honestly say though, that I am more nervous for Rush than I am for the dorms. I am not the typical girl who would ever enjoy being put on display and "chosen" after only short conversations. How can someone make that type of life commitment after only short conversations. Ask then, why am I doing it? Because I want the experience. I want to be able to say, "Yeah I went through fall recruitment and decided it wasn't for me" I don't want to be too afraid and not do it for that reason. Plus, I could found a house and be perfectly happy with that decision. Anything is possible right?

in a week...

2009-07-18T00:04:00.004-05:00

In a week... so much can change. I am like finally settled and happy.

"you always say that at the beginning of a new relationship"-Tatie

He asked me out. I made a slight joke about the whole situation... he was being very serious. I said yes.

We haven't really discussed much. No specific details have been hashed out. What I do know...

-He fully trusts me (I even have a few examples of that from only a weeks time)

-He always answers my questions and tells me things he knows I'd want to know

-He won't try and talk me into anything

-He stands up for me

-I am comfortable around him

-He SUCKS at texting me back (slightly drives me crazy)

-We are a pretty good balance... nothing serious yet though.

It is really odd. This is someone I've known/had a crush on off and on for like three years. We met in high school yet we started dating AFTER graduation... it doesn't make sense to me either.

I leave on Tuesday, July 21. We will be arriving back home around August 2.

He leaves August 1.

Oh well, I'm not too worried.

To every ex: :)

2009-07-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

'Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

Ain't it a shame?
A shame that everytime you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think ...straight

And ain't it sad?
You can forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me

CHORUS:
'Cus I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of you life

And does she know?
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I'm the... the only one

I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once, when you were out
She went a little crazy ran her mouth about me
Ain't jealousy funny?

CHORUS
'Cus I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of you life

...with me was a fairytale love
I was head-over-heals 'til you threw away "us"
And it's just too bad you've, already had the best days
The best days of your life

I heard you're gonna get married
Have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new

But, I've been told that a cheater
Is always a cheater
I've got my pride, and she's got you...

CHORUS
'Cus I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life...

Of your life
Oh, oh, yeah
You're gonna think of me
You're gonna think of me in your liiiiiiiiiiiife
Oh, oh, yeah
It's a shame, it's a shame...It's a shame

blur

2009-07-06T11:35:00.003-05:00

The past few weeks have gone by in a blur. There was nothing noteworthy, yet still exciting in their own right.

I came in and got out of yet another relationship with N (a mix of the stupidest and smartest decision of my summer) So I can happily say, I am fully over that entire situation.
Worked
Went to a few fun parties :)
Started actually talking to J!! :::::

J: I would totally date you. Youre fucking awesome.

and

J: Indeed. No i actually enjoy spending time with you and all my friends like you. And i dont see you as the clingy type*

THIRTY NINE DAYS UNTIL MOVE IN/RUSH!

FIFTEEN DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR A VACATION IN ARIZONA!

*NOTE: I did warn J about my high maintenance-ness!!!

Boys/Arabella

2009-06-23T16:29:00.004-05:00

I'm dog sitting my best friend's dog. She's an adorable like two pound puppy that has yet to be potty trained. Because of her I'm laying on my floor so I can pet/keep an eye on her.

She enjoys sitting in my laundry basket and eating my underwear. I've caught her here more than once already and she got her this morning!!!

So boys. Er well boy. I used to date this boy. He and I got along really well for quite awhile and then distance tore us apart. I have been single for about two months now. During those two months I have been having fun flirting/seeing other guys but have yet to be serious with anyone else. There is one that I was actually starting to like but... I'm not expecting anything to come from it. Now the boy I used to date, well, last night he mentioned that he wanted to get back together with me. That he missed me and still cared about me. I am going to college in a month and have zero idea if i want to get back together with him. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I care about him still... but I'm so nervous about getting attached and thus getting hurt again. PLUS college is starting and idk if I want this right now. UGH so much to decide!!!

classes/life in general

2009-06-21T01:41:00.003-05:00

Philosophy 148- MWF: 8-850

Sociology 160- MW: 9-9:50 (lecture)

Sociology 160- W: 10-1050 (discussion)

Biology 100- MWF: 12-1250 (lecture)

Biology 102- F: 10-1150 (lab)

English 101- TTH: 9:30-1045

Math 101- MWF: 3-350

16 hours

I think I'm going to just work (as I am planning now) every other weekend or something because this load is a little too full and I'll just volunteer weekdays.

New(not really) budding romance? Hmmmm.. what will come of it all?

ready to roll

2009-06-19T18:23:00.002-05:00

So I finished orientation today! It was full of very boring and mostly pointless information. But, I did in fact find some things very helpful.

They explained move in stuff and classes and clubs very well!

PLUS: I met some new friends!! Only one girl is living in my dorm that I met today. But (and yes this is a big but) she lives like next door or across the all from me!!! It was very exciting and surprising. But all of the friends that I met were mainly pre-nursing with me which will be very helpful so we can study together and motivate each other to study. So for those contacts alone i am very pleased with orientation. And getting my schedule was also a very nice bonus!

Mon-Wed-Fri: I start class at 8 and don't get out until 3:40

Tue-Thur: I only have one classs from 9:30-10:45 which is gonna be fantastic!!

yay for finally being ready for college :)

fajhflajds!!!!

2009-06-16T22:58:00.005-05:00

Dear Self,

JUST GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!

Love,

Self

Success!

2009-06-16T20:27:00.002-05:00

I've been working on getting everything ready for the fall/starting school. Yes, I fully understand that it is months away and summer just started; however, I tend to wait until the last minute to get crap done and that needs to end. I have my housing ready, rushing stuff ready, and I pick out classes on Friday and I'll have my schedule then. I just need to slowly start packing my room and getting stuff for my dorm room. I need to talk with Becca (later) about when I want to work during school. See, now when I leave in July, I will not have a mess to come back to!

Yay for being on top of everything for the first time in my life!!!!!

Two months to go

2009-06-15T00:31:00.000-05:00

Blog post numero uno

So I'm not the blogging type. But I stopped writing in my journal recently (need to start that again) and I need away to get stuff off my chest. So here is my life synopsis

I'm starting at KU in the fall. Freshmen and living in the dorms. I am scared out of my mind but thrilled to pieces at the same time. I am only afraid due to the bathroom situation in the dorms and the whole harder school/education crap. Thrilled due to well.. the obvious- moving out, independence, college-life kind of stuff.
I am a daughter, sister, aunt, bestfriend, and CNA. (yes not girlfriend, but we'll get to that later)
My job is becoming so time consuming. I want to become a nurse when I graduate from college so I'm working in a retirement home as a CNA now... that is my daily comic relief....
My relationship status is (usually) happily single. I just came out of a decently long (nine month) relationship... I'm enjoying the freedom to flirt/not care but I still miss him. That part kind of sucks.

I should be asleep, seeing as it is 12:39am and I will be woken up around 7am.... oh well- except I left my books in my car so I need to find something else to occupy my time, hence the blog post.