6am, during a night shift:

Time for an update. I'm wayyy overdue for one. I hate that because then there is not a place to begin.

Finally finished my summer class. Yup, I'm done. The thing I like least about finishing a course is the final. They want to give you a final test over all this wonderful information. I've been cramming it into my brain and by this point in time I'm so over it. Finishing the test a quickly as possible with no care for consequences. On to the next thing. They should test your enthusiasm for the first 3 weeks and combine that with your final to count as your final score.

Starting at Washburn in the fall! Officially enrolled as an Icabod. This is my 4.0 year. It is not only accessible but actually possible this year for me to reach that 4.0 because I am taking two of the classes for the second time. That makes me sound stupid, I only need to retake one and my scores didn't transfer for my other class. And the third class is English. I always get A's on my english papers if I write them and revise them once. I just get too fucking lazy by the time that I finish the thing to go back over it. Goal #1: Write English papers the week they are assigned. What a fucking concept.

Brooklyn is 7months, going on walking/talking/flirting. She is this little ray of light in my life. She may scream and cry occasionally for attention but the second we lock eyes she settles. Everything is right with the world. Sad confession: I was THRILLED the first time she cried in someone's arm and stopped the second I took her. That level of adoration is completely and absolutely the most wonderful feeling.

Her schedule usually makes her wake up for a bottle around 5am. I'm on this kick where she is not allowed in bed with me anymore. At all. If she wakes up before 5, I put her back to sleep in the crib (even for thirty minutes sometimes). Then, I wake up with her at 5. This has gotten us many catnaps together on the couch. It is bliss.

I'll leave a not-on-facebook picture

"it's all worth it"

There are certain things everyone tells you (and gives you when you have a baby) most of the time the information is useless. No, I do not need anymore adorable socks/hats/mittens/blankets. Yes, I in fact know that I will never sleep again/ my life is completely changing/ feed them every 2-3 hours.

What I didn't hear was: loud noises (like the vacuum) calm her down/ babies tend to have projectile poop/ sex (sorry world) will never feel the same again. I understand how it will "all be worth it" once she grows up but people need to be more honest with their advice. How was I supposed to figure out these things alone? We have a noise machine that is now up really loud in her room so she always has some white noise. It is genius! She sleeps longer and isn't startled awake due to the TV or anything.

When B was born, I had about 17 packages of diapers. I thought "wow this is fantastic!". Little did I know, babies can grow super fast. I have an overflow of the wrong size of diapers. I plan to squeeze my little fat baby into size on diapers until her poop won't stay in anymore (oh wait!) because I still have six more packs!

Lastly, I cannot decide if I should save all of her baby stuff or pack it up and give it to someone else. I know plenty of people who need it but hey, I may want another kid in a couple years. I have so much stuff that it could help someone a lot but at the same time, I don't want to buy it all again.

Sorry this post was sort of random, my thoughts are really jumbled today and I can hardly think straight.

Brooklyn!!

My baby (6 week old ah!) is amazing. She is so much fun to be around. She (real) smiled at me last night for the first time! I finally feel like a mother. It sunk in and I am happy.

But I must admit, being back at work and school has made such a difference to being a mom. It allows me time to think about her and miss her as well as give me some adult conversations that don't revolve around my daughter.

Overall, things are going well.

how to not sound condescending

I currently have numerous friends (or even just people I know and see on facebook) that are pregnant. They then post or show me pictures of the nursery. Fantastic, I can ohh and ahh with the best of them. I am seriously struggling with not telling these people how stupid they are though!! CRIB BUMPERS ARE CONSIDERED BAD! They can cause SIDS and are linked to strangulation and suffocation.

List of people that reccomend against bumper pads: American Academy of Pediatrics, Consumer Product Safety Commission, First Candle/National SIDS Alliance, and National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. Here is a website about the dangers:http://babyproducts.about.com/od/recallsandsafety/a/bumpersafety.htm

So, how can I tell them "hey this is really stupid" without sounding like a complete know-it-all. I'm sure many of them have read more parenting things than I have but still! ugh

Complications

Complications have me slightly concerned. Overall, B is completely healthy. I, on the other hand, am not quite so lucky. 1) I was very very anemic for a few months. Explanation: hemoglobin "should" be between 12 and 14 on a healthy person and sometimes higher if you are pregnant. I was down at 7.4. So I've seen some specialists and it's back to a 9.something. 2) Another complication is my amniotic fluid. That number is supposed to be around a 10-12 normally. Mine measured at a 7.5 or something. Fantastic. So I'm being checked in sonograms like once or twice a week. If it drops below 5, we will have to induce labor because she will not be getting the nourisment she needs at all. I cannot decide if this is a blessing or if I should be scared shitless. So I'm on "modified bedrest" No work or play. Just school. I'm allowed to leave the house but I'm constantly told to "take it easy". Which if you ask me is utter bullshit. There is NO evidence that I have been able to find saying bedrest solves the problem. It's just that "foolproof plan" that doctors like to fall back on. So stupid!!!

In the midst of all of this, I have finals, organizing the apartment, and a little bit of wedding planning (not mine, Taylor is getting married in July!)

"You have no control at this point" is my new mantra

Pregnancy update-

I am 27 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I feel pretty accomplished since I'm entering into the third trimester. Sometimes it is still a surprise to wake up with a belly sticking out. Only complication: placental lakes, not a huge concern but the possibility of problems is there so my doctor has me getting an ultrasound once a month until she's here.

My little girl weighs two pounds and is growing fast. I nearly cry every time I look at the scale, 15ish pounds gained to me so far. It's going to be a pain to get the weight off but at least I have a gym membership and motivation to go. She is growing PERFECTLY. 48th percentile for growths. She isn't going to be a huge baby yay! Oh and the name I havent changed my mind on: Brooklyn Rene Gutierrez. I already call her B because I don't really like Brooke all that much but oh well.

Josiah and I are moving in together. I'm nervous as hell about that but I think it will work out for the best. We get along really well and he can experience everything with me. We are looking at three bedroom places though. Josiah isn't too keen on the idea, but I'm going to try and let Marlena move in with us. She is losing herself living alone and I could use the extra help. Plus, with the three of us working and going to school on different schedules, I don't think I'll need childcare yet. So I'm hoping to be in there by November 1st.

Baby showers are soon!!! The one with my friends is 10/23 and the one with my family is 10/30. Work will probably do something too but there are four of us who are pregnant. I feel like there are a lot of people I didn't invite simply because I haven't seen them in order to tell them I was pregnant. I saw an old friend the other day and she invited me to a party and I just pointed at my stomach.. apparently it's not as obvious as I thought it was.... anyway, she freaked and asked me a million questions. It's so difficult to answer some of those questions... not difficult but more annoying. Yes, I am keeping her. She's MINE!

Current fears:
my water breaking in a final
being put on bed rest
her being really late and not having time before spring semester starts
getting postpartum depression.

hardest decision

No body really even knows about this blog anyway... so I'm gonna just lay my heart on the line. Hope you're ready.
(5/5): I came home and found Julia asleep. She woke up and I asked her to come with me to buy a pregnancy test. She replied: "You are not pregnant, you are only a week late, just be patient. But if you need the comfort of a negative reading, I'll come with you." That hardly required a response. I didn't really feel pregnant because I never really believed my symptoms were anything more than being sick. I just need the negative reading so I could comfortably wait for my period. We bought the test. I peed and the faintest second pink line appeared. I cried. Julia tried to comfort me saying, its just there in case, take the other test (yes v no) and it too came up positive. I couldn't hold it together anymore. I texted Josiah (my boyfriend) and drove to see him. He was calm on the outside but assured me that he was freaking out but we'd get through it together.
(5/6): I told my closest friends. Julia knew because she was there and my roommate, Michelle and Sydney hardly believed me but supported me nonetheless, and Nathaniel. He was an odd choice to confide in but I suck at lying and he honestly guessed it. It took me a little time to work up he courage to tell my best friend Katie due to her recent issues with the same thing. I knew she would want me to keep the thing. Sydney and I went to planned parenthood (I worry that if I go straight to the dr I would feel guilty not having a baby in nine months) all they did was confirm the pregnancy and hand me pamphlets. I then made the decision to tell my cousin Allie. She is the closest family to me and she knew just what to say.

The Decision: Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do. I am a strong pro-choice advocate but now I'm not sure if the regret will kill me. I won't be able to go a day without thinking about my child were I to not keep it. This is the hardest decision of my life. I am giving myself the week to officially decide. But I can honestly say that I already love my baby. That is making the decision harder.